Ok, I don’t normally pass on internet stuff here because that’s not why you came. However, some times I find something that is so hilarious it must be pointed out so you don’t miss the funny. Case in point, Amazon UK’s reviews of a plain old BIC ball-point pen.
Here is the original link.
Just in case they decide to remove the reviews, here are some of my favorites:
Expensive, but worth it
Whilst this may cost more than a piece of pointy charcoal, I think the extra cost is justified.
Excellent pen! Some issues…
Upon receiving my order, I carefully opened the box and dug through the packing peanuts in order to get to the pen contained therein. ‘Beautiful!’, I thought, and promptly opened up my moleskine notebook to jot down to myself some notes. My previous pen had ran out of ink four weeks prior and I didn’t want to splurge on expensive shipping, which meant I had a lot of notes to catch up on writing.
But, when that quality carbide ball touched the surface of the paper, it was not ink that came out. From a distance I heard the screams of men and the cackling of innumerable ravens. I stopped, cold and sweating profusely. I looked down at the Bic Crystal black medium ballpoint pen which I held in my hand, only to see darkness. I dashed it against the wall, recoiling in horror. I saw in the corner of my eye my faithful notebook, which now lay on the ground. Once unmarred, I saw now the small mark which I had made with the devil’s own pen. It spread across the page like a plague, and looking at it I gazed upon true horrors. For, what I thought had been ink was in fact a portal to a dark, unforgiving dimension. A portal whose maw was now widening to engulf all hope and joy in the world.
‘God, what have I done?’ I exclaimed as I weeped and fell to my knees, ‘What have I done?’
From beyond the Dark Gate I heard these words, words which I can never forget. A terrible, booming voice said to me, ‘Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fthagn!’
I ran, blindly stumbling, away from that place and never looked back. My only hope is that none shall follow in the path I’ve walked down, too blinded by hubris to realize my follies.
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*NOT* USB 2.0 compliant!!!
Warning: This pen is NOT USB 2.0 compliant. Therefore data transfer speeds will be limited to your writing speed. On the plus side, I believe this model is suitable for emergency tracheotomies (as per that episode of M*A*S*H way back when).
A Wonderful Christmas Gift
recieved this pen last Christmas from one of my many lovers. I shall never forget that fortuituous occasion when i tentatively unwrapped the gleaming crystal tube from it’s satin cocoon. It emerged, beautiful and unsullied like a rare butterfly from it’s long, yet rewarding pupae state.
My face, stained with tears of joy, was unable to convey the true joy that i felt in my heart. The word ‘Bic’ exquisitely etched onto the side of the pen seemed like an endorsement from the Lord in Heaven Himself.
Two days passed and i had not been able to bring myself to write with this perfect implement of bards. What words could i possibly attempt to record with this artefact? Nothing that came to mind could do justice to this wonderous tool’s virginal state. Sweat poured from my brow as i wrestled with the anguish which tossed and turned in my head like some kind of mad beast. Should i indeed use this pen at all? Maybe i should put it away somewhere safe, never to be sullied by human hands again? But then, i thought, this pen was MADE, no, CRAFTED to be used. Surely it would be a crime against God not to employ it to it’s intended practise?
Finally i knew, finally i felt peace as i took Biro between my thumb and forefinger and applied it to the scrap of paper i had prepared on the desk. No more afraid, i wrote the words “Semi-skimmed milk and a packet of Monster Munch. Pay Gas Bill”. Exhausted, i collapsed back into my chair, spent yet satisfied. The pen itself seemed to thank me as i laid it to rest on top of the microwave.
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